Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
