thus making me awesome and them whores
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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