I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
