I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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