And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
