just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
