My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
