Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
