I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
