we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
