he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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