i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
