happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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