Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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