I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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