i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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