I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
