i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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