If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
