Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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