I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
