dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
