Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
