nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
