Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
