...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
