yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think I am morally bankrupt
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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