He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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