The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
