ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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