We named our party play list daddy issues
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
