Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
