im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My friends, they love my intelligence
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
