the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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