I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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