I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
