I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
