I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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