I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
