woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
