I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
