A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
