Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
