goodnight i made you a song goodbye
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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