YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
