I showed him my bush... on skype.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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