hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
