He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
