I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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