The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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