She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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