Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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