you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
