His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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