You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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